Monologue at shrink’s about not letting go

I don’t know how to let go. But I do know how to suppress emotions and feelings and pretend I’m okay.

Usually, I do that in situations when I HAVE to tell someone with a straight face that I don’t agree, that I’m disappointed in them, that they let me down.

But I almost never do. Not  with friends, not with relatives, not with bosses. Especially not with bosses.

So I just smile, say what’s appropriate to say, what’s professional, what they want to hear. Burning inside. Eating myself alive. Quickly I leave without ever articulating how I felt.

After the blood pressure settles, for a while I really do feel okay and sometimes even forget about the things that happened.

I tell about it the very few people I trust and kind of move on. But then something happens. A short encounter, smell or text triggers a memory and I lose it.

I neither solved the issue nor let go at the right time. Now it would be stupid  to go back and yell at someone who hurt me.

I do understand that these traumas need to be worked on. I know that there are ways to fix that. But in reality, I know I just should have set the record straight with the specific couple of people in the past. Or at least I should have written them a detailed email explaining  how exactly they screwed me over and why I hate their guts.

These people have no idea they did something wrong. They live their lives in the universe weaved of truths they made up. They think they are clean. They think that me or other people left them or their company because we were traitors or we were weird.

Which might be the case.

But at least I should have told them how I see the situation. Why they drive me crazy and I won’t ever smile genuinely to them.

I feel really strongly about many people. I can’t stand a ton of people. And I never told any of them there was anything wrong.

All that wouldn’t matter if I knew how to let go.

I can’t stand it when someone tells me to just relax and forgive.

If it were this easy, if I knew how to do it would I torture myself for years?

I appreciate the sentiment. Especially when a person sincerely tries to help. But when you’re on the verge of losing it, it’s really hard to contain yourself and react calmly to this kind of advice. To these people I say: sometimes the perfect help is just being there. If you don’t have practical thoughts –  play safe and don’t say anything.

All these unresolved traumas add up to a huge pile you’re afraid to even look at. Because each of those troubles alone threw you off balance. What could they do all together?

It’s easy to think like this and do nothing. But in reality – those people from the past don’t matter. Their opinions don’t matter. I’m sure each of them got to where they are because of their own traumas. So I’m kind of sorry for them. But still screw them.

The only thing that matters is that you went ahead despite your demons. And with time they will disappear.

Because now even I don’t worry about things that happened in the kindergarten.


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